It’s October 24th, 2018 and I’m sitting here thinking about what my life is about to be like in exactly one month when I set sail for my life on a cruise ship. There are countless aspects about what I am about to do that I’m struggling to put into words. The feeling is, well…I’m not quite sure how to describe it. There are several parts to it, so I’ll just start from the beginning.
Since I was a little girl involved in ice skating competitions, I’ve always loved performing. I had the fire and determination to be a competitive skater, working hard to be at the top of my group, but that’s not what fueled my passion. I LOVED to perform. I thrived in the aspects of skating where I got to put out my own flare and just live in the moments where I was going edge to edge telling a story. When I finished my last year of competitive skating, I had tons of people telling me I should go straight into shows, how I would love it, and they would love me. I practically had a Disney offer handed to me by someone who knew someone else that had seen me compete throughout the years. But I didn’t go that route at that time, I wasn’t allowed to. My mom told me that I had to go to school and get a degree before I could perform so I always had something to fall back on. At the time, I wasn’t happy about it, I thought I’d never get back into shape and be able to do what I had always dreamed about. I’m grateful now for her stubbornness in that aspect.
But now, some five-odd years later, I am leaving for my dream job – the job I always wanted as a little girl – in one freakin’ month.
So thats the first thing feeling that I have, it’s surreal.
The next feeling is panic; panic that I only have four weekends left, panic that I am not in good shape, panic that I won’t be good enough, panic that my contract will be taken away for no reason, panic that I’ll get homesick, panic that the boat will crash or get attacked, panic that I don’t have everything I need, panic that everything still isn’t confirmed and its only ONE MONTH AWAY!
After panic, comes a wave of sadness for countless reasons most involving the people that I’m moving away from (I almost wrote leaving behind, but I don’t like the sound of that). I’m extremely sad about being away from my family for that long of a time, and especially because I won’t get to spend any holidays or important dates with them this year. For the first time ever, I won’t spend Christmas with my family, New Years Eve with my boyfriend, Valentines Day with my boyfriend, Easter with family and friends, my boyfriend’s birthday with him, my birthday with friends. Never mind the every day things that I’ll miss this winter season. Oh, and there’s also that…I’m missing winter, the snow-topped trees, trips up to the mountains, lights on the trees, christmas festivities, and the days and nights we have to stay in by the fire watching movies because the roads are too icy.
Then there’s the fact that I am going to be doing the longest-apart long distance I have done ever. While I’m traveling the world entering different time zones, he’ll be working in different states and at home, trying to figure out how many hours ahead and behind I am. I don’t know my schedule yet and his varies, the timing will be difficult not knowing when we’ll get a moment to pause in both of our lives and dedicate time to the other person. We’ve scheduled it out so its two months in between when we’ll see each other (two months before he see’s me in the Caribbean, two more in between then and Europe, and then two before I’ll be home). Luckily, this is the last six months of long distance before we move in together, but damn, it’ll be the most intense – go big or go home, I guess.
As I said, that’s where the sadness comes in.
Then finally, there’s this riveting experience ahead of me. I will get six more months of sunshine and summer, so bring on the bikinis. I’m getting paid much more than I am now to travel and perform in something that I paid so much to do before as a child. I’m going to meet so many incredible people from around the world. I will learn so much about myself that I cannot even fathom at this moment. I will experience living in such a different culture and lifestyle than many people ever do. In six months I will travel to Orlando, Florida; Labadee, Haiti; Falmouth, Jamaica; Cozumel, Mexico; Nassau, Bahamas; Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas; Philipsburg, St. Thomas; San Juan; Puerto Rico; Barcelona, Spain; Palma de Mallorca, Spain; Roma, Italy; Naples, Italy; Florence, Italy; and Provence, France.
I can’t think of a better phrase to this last feeling but an experience of a lifetime.
So there you have it, my reflection of what’s to come in the near future, the surreal-panicky-saddening-experience of a lifetime.
Thanks for listening to my ramble. Any advice on how to handle any and all of it?