hey x. (open letter)

Hey, remember me?

It’s been a while from the last time we talked. Since I’ve been home, I’ve been struggling to put words on a page. I can’t figure out how to get this overflowing jumble of thoughts in my head and somehow organize and articulate into a cohesive story. What do I write about when every direction I look there’s another issue, another problem, another setback. There are so many emotions and so many opinions; valid and warranted, so how do I navigate it correctly? How does someone tackle unraveling the thoughts in their own head and then somehow put them on a page in such a way that doesn’t offend the next person? What type of topics can I write about that appropriately uses my voice and my background without coming off as using another person’s reality to boost my platform? Can I write about my own life, my current problems and how they affect me in the world today or will that be misinterpreted as me believing that what I am going through is worse than someone else? Will people think that I’m just using arbitrary topics to follow a trend? I want to make a difference and the way I know how to do that is by using creativity as an outlet to communicate what I want to say. As you probably know, my two outlets are my two passions: ice skating and writing. Skating has been limited as ice rinks have been closed, but that will change soon, given that I am relocating myself to train for the time-being (more on that later). But that means, this is the outlet I’ve got to help declutter what’s in my mind and hopefully say something that makes a difference in even just one person’s day.

All these feelings fill up my head and stop me from putting words on a page. I’d like to say I’ve got a thick enough skin to not overthink everything I put out there, but then I’d be lying to you completely.

When I put a piece of writing up here, I am immediately vulnerable to what your opinions are. It’s not that I’m afraid of criticism or conversation, I invite that in a positive way; it’s that I am learning not to let it diminish how I see my own value. I know that seems so dramatic, but when the thoughts in my head are rejected or I am negatively criticized, I let it affect how I feel about myself. That, is what I am working on. That, is a problem. That unhealthy habit feeds back into past experiences and insecurities that I’ve previously skimmed passed, maybe I should really get into it, but I will save that for another time. With my own life at a pause, unsure, waiting for a reboot, these insecurities rise to the surface. Quarantine hasn’t been a waste of time when it comes learning about myself more although it feels like career wise, it’s a giant slap in the face. What I’ve come to recognize is that it’s been a tremendous learning experience for me to comprehend my own brain, how I feel about what I have to offer and what external factors cause me to diminish my own worth.

With all that, I understand that pleasing everyone is not possible. It has never been realistic, but especially in today’s climate, that’s something to laugh at. My main hope is to not be misunderstood and misinterpreted. I’ve learned there will always be people that don’t agree and as much I may try to avoid it, people will interpret my words and meaning through whichever their personal experience lends to.

So this is my attempt to stop hiding and start using this as an outlet once again to filter the cluster-fuck that is my brain right now and write about the good, the bad, and potentially, the problematic. I’m not quiet sure where exactly I’m going to start, maybe just a little fluff piece to get the words flowing or perhaps a real look into one aspect of my life that social media doesn’t show. What about a researched piece that relates to every day relevant issues? Like I said, I don’t know where I will begin, but I’m attempting to get back to it; I could really use this creative outlet.

If there is something you’d like to read about, please let me know either here or on my social media platforms. After all, this is primarily an outlet for me, but it’s nice to know I’m writing about things you want to read.

Lots of love, wash your hands, and give someone a reason to smile today.



1 Comment

    August 9, 2020 / 9:12 PM

    Love reading your writing kiddo! I am always one of your biggest fans! Love you!

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