First of all, I wish that this was something I wouldn’t wrack my brain thinking about, but I do, and therefore, this spew of words you’re reading is a result. Not because I don’t trust the one I’m in a relationship with, because I really do. But rather, he has lots of girl friends because of his personality, social setting, and lifestyle, and after a year and a half, I’m still struggling to accept and adapt to it.
But lets change this to a general perspective, not just my own.
There are numerous reasons why men get along well with women in platonic relationships. Some like the flirtatious banter and rapport you can have with the opposite sex, not because they are necessarily interested in each other, but simply because it exercises their own social skills and makes them feel good about themselves.
Other men have more female friends because they enjoy the kind of friendship you can get with a woman; more sensitive and rewarding in the emotional sense.
Having a selection of female friends can also give men an outlet to turn to for relationship advice without going directly to his partner. This way he can get a girl’s perspective on the matter that isn’t involved.
I think for my guy, its all of the above; and different females fill these different roles.
As much as I want to be the chilled out girlfriend, sometimes, more often than I’d like to admit, I’ve felt jealous and uncomfortable with these girl friends. I know that my jealousy comes from insecurity, but it doesn’t make it any easier just because I know that. I’m aware not every girl he spends time with is trying to bang him, but it’s not like the thought doesn’t cross my mind.
Here’s what I’ve done to explain to him how I feel and help me ease my worry:
- Explain my feelings in specific terms
- Put my feelings into context; switch the situation around
- Establish boundaries ahead of time
Most of the time, what I realize is that it’s not my untrusting of him, its is my untrusting of the girls around him. As a female, I can see the way we act and our motives behind certain situations that guys just can’t understand. By pointing these out to him, he can be more cautious around certain girls and at least try to understand where the context is coming from.
For example, we were at a party, and one of the younger sorority girls that he is friends with went to hug him. Now, this may make me sound crazy, but its simple things that girls notice, that guys may not. Anyways, she hugged him and pressed her body against his, and as soon as I walked in the room, she continued to hug him, but pulled her lower body back from his and looked at me. Come on people, there’s different ways you hug different levels of relationships, we all know that? But, he was clueless.
In another instance, one of his friends said rude and extremely unnecessary comments about me to her friend with me in obvious earshot. He had no idea of this girls intentions until I had explained this to him, and had the proof of his male friend who heard it as well.
There are other instances of girls, exes rather, texting him with open-ended pointless conversation, only to make chat with him, not to say something of any importance. I will never be that girlfriend that prevents him from talking to other girls. He will always respond as to not be rude and ignore them, but I’ve got to wonder what is their intention with the pointless conversation? If it had an end result I’d understand, but random texts every month or so…Girl whats your point?
With all of that said, there are two ways that I’ve been learning to cope with this fact that he has lots of girl friends.
- Having communication with your significant other, lay down the boundaries, and put it into context.
- Be confident in your feelings that girls know girls. Be aware of their actions even though you cannot control them.
If he isn’t being transparent in telling you who he is hanging out with and their relationship, that is probably not a good sign. I am lucky enough that I get this information.
If he doesn’t act the same around you when these other girls are present, that is probably not a good sign either. I am lucky enough that I get this attention.
Bottom line is that a good guy is a good guy and a cheater is a cheater. What I have to continuously tell myself is that “your jealousy will not prevent your boyfriend from cheating on you with one of these girls if he is going to cheat”. Obsessing will only drive you crazy and push him away. All I can say is communicate with your guy on how you feel, set boundaries and expectations, trust him, but protect your heart and keep an eye out.
I know this isn’t the manual for exactly how to handle dating someone that hangs out with significant amounts of people of the opposite sex, but I don’t have the answers. All I have is this jumble of words and thoughts that hopefully you can sift through and find something useful.