Disclaimer: This really isn’t for you its for me. I’m struggling to figure out the decisions that I’ve made and how I am going to approach moving forward in this next phase of my life. I’m an open book – obviously, I sit here and blog about my life on the internet. I got a slap in the face recently that taught me to be cautious about what I share. Well, I’m learning. My natural instincts are to live in the moment, share stories, and trust people – wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’m now trying to find the balance between how I really am and air on the side of caution. But what I’ve so recently realized is that people will meddle in your life, make judgements and create opinions based on what they see, whether it is vindictive or not. So fuck it, I’m not going to change who I am, I’d rather you hear it all straight from me.
All my life I’ve been taught not to be selfish.
‘Share with others, think about others, put others before yourself’.
I’ve worked every day not to be the reflection of those that consider only how things affect themselves. I’ve made sure to make my choices keeping in mind those around me and how the decisions I make impact others.
Don’t be a burden, don’t hurt others, communicate and decide together.
When I left for my contract four months ago, my priorities were different. They were aimed around building a life with one of the most incredible, selfless human beings I’ve ever met. My 23-year-old self wanted things way beyond what I am ready for, but wrapped in his comfort, it was my focus and my priority.
But having your address in the middle of the ocean with life moving so fast around you shifts your focus, or at least it shifted mine. I felt trapped in between a life I wanted and the life that was paving its way right in front of me. The opportunities I thought I had didn’t even scratch the surface of what unfolded when I got onboard.
I chose to be selfish because really there was no other way. If I could give myself fully to both sides of me that I wanted, there’s no question I would’ve. I couldn’t be the person I needed to be for myself or for someone else.
Since I was three years old, skating has been my first love. I’ve worked my entire life and given up so much to have made it here, that I couldn’t get myself to count the days until it was over and I was back home. The little girl in me that is now living out her dreams had to come first.
I don’t know where I will choose to go next, and I definitely can’t be the one making decisions that repetitively disappoint someone else. What I’m learning is that when our lives drastically change like this, you have to put yourself first otherwise there is no way anything can last regardless of how understanding that other person is. Resentment builds on both ends and no matter how much something feels perfect, it’ll never be as good as it can be until you’ve done all you need to do for yourself.
Choosing to be selfish was in fact one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. Some days I feel like I’m living on top of the world, riding the waves and enjoying the sunshine, and other days it feels like I’m getting dragged around, torn apart, and swallowed up whole.
In this mess of confusion, I’m doing my best. I royally fucked up somethings and did my best to succeed in others.
On days when things aren’t going my way, say its not a good show day; people spread false rumors about you; or you know, the ship tilts, a crane lands on it, and you’re forced to evacuate and not know where you’re sleeping for the next few nights; then the decision to give up a life that was so settled for you doesn’t seem like the right one.
But as hard as it is everyday, and trust me – it’s unbelievable difficult, there is no other way I can do this right now. There’s nothing more I can do now to change the decisions I’ve made. The only thing that’s left is to take this time to think only about myself, make the most of every day, and skate harder than I ever have.
So mom if you’re reading this, I’m going to be selfish. But I’m going to be selfish in the best ways I can be. I promise I’m doing my best to be a good person everyday. I’m not going to be that person you’ve taught me to avoid, but I will be someone that looks in the mirror and lives with no regrets. I will consider others feelings, but I will choose my decisions solely on what is best for me in this time of my life. Thank you for teaching me the grounds to consider another person, and I’m even more grateful that you’ve given me the strength and will power to know what I need – no matter how much my heart breaks otherwise.
You better believe that I’m going to delve into everything life throws at me now. I’m extremely grateful for the new friendships I’m making and the old ones that support me no matter how far away I am. I will take on these new opportunities like I have nothing to lose, because well – I have nothing more to lose.
And since I’ve gone and made a mess of things, there is no way, I will be complacent. I will take in every little moment of everyday during this experience and make that little girl proud.
If you’re reading this, then maybe you’re going through something and this can help give you some perspective. I don’t have any answers, clearly, and I really don’t have any advice. This post really isn’t for you, it’s for me. I’m struggling with accepting that being selfish is okay, and that choosing to put yourself first is, in fact, the right thing at this point in time. I’m learning that what other people think doesn’t matter as long as you act with kindness and take care of yourself.
All I can hope is that the little girl who dreamed of traveling the world being an ice princess, will be proud of the person that I become over this next phase of my life. Here’s to throwing caution to the wind, to working harder and to living larger than I deemed possible.
So take it or leave it, but there you have it: my open explanation and personal justification on self-betterment and selfishness.